


Hold Your Breath

by Sheepie



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Drowning, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Harry Hart | Galahad/Gary "Eggsy" Unwin, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-21
Updated: 2015-09-21
Packaged: 2018-04-22 18:51:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4846472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepie/pseuds/Sheepie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry always wondered how Eggsy held his breath for so long on the water test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold Your Breath

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dhampir72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dhampir72/gifts).



> This is self-betated, so sorry for any mistakes. Not brit-picked because I'm lazy. Heavy shit. Blame Dhampir72.

            Harry had an amazing bathroom. When he remodeled it years ago, he didn’t spare a single expense. There was a state of the art shower, complete with several showerheads, as well as a bathtub befitting the Queen. It was a Victorian replica, claw-footed, with brass trimmings that gleamed beneath the overhead lighting. While the shower was nice, it was always the tub that everyone fawned over. The first time Eggsy had seen the porcelain tub, Harry had expected him to beg for Harry to fill it up and slip in with him. Eggsy had just commented how posh it looked and then dragged Harry into the massive shower, where Harry learned about new ways to use the detachable showerhead.

            Eggsy preferred showers, Harry came to realize. He preferred showers, didn’t like swimming, detested beaches and lakes, and thought hot tubs were vats of bubbling bacteria soup.

            When Harry asked about it, Eggsy stated flippantly, “If I wanted to take a bath in a cesspool, I’d jump in the Thames, thank y’.”

            Eggsy didn’t explain why he had an aversion to all things water related, or why he grimaced and went ten shades paler when Merlin assigned him missions that were based coastally. Most of the agents got excited when they were given a job in Miami or Rio de Janeiro. Not Eggsy. He hated those jobs. He’d much rather take a mission in the dry heat of Botswana than chase some Richmond Valentine copycat to his private island off the coast of Australia.

            Harry never considered asking, he just chalked it off to one of those unusual quirks that made Eggsy, _Eggsy_. As Arthur he tried to assign missions with the best agents in mind, passing most jobs that were ocean-bound to one of the other knights. It didn’t always happen, sometimes the other agents were tied up and Eggsy had to take a job in a location he detested—and he accepted them with a stiff upper lip—but other than a slightly grumpy Eggsy on return, nothing ill had ever come from the jobs.

            Eggsy’s latest mission had luckily been based in Iraq, a recce mission to gather information on the trade of experimental weapons, which had been sold to ISIS. For the most part the mission went smoothly, but he did come home a little bruised and battered. He’d had worse—much worse—but his muscles were still stiff and aching two days later.

            “I know just the thing to help ease them,” Harry said when they returned home from the Estate on Thursday evening.

            J.B. ran to greet them, jumping up and down excitedly, letting out huffs and barks to greet both of his masters. Eggsy tried to lean down to pet him, but the strain was too much on his back, and he immediately straightened with a groan. J.B. shot him a displeased look and turned his attention to Harry.

            Eggsy dug his fingers into the muscle just above his shoulder blade, rolling his shoulder in order to press deeper. He hissed and glanced at Harry. “Yeah? Wots that?”

            At this point Eggsy was willing to do anything to relieve the soreness radiating throughout his body. He felt the ache throbbing from within his joints, seizing up his muscles and stiffening his body until every movement was like his limbs were being pulled in four separate directions.

            Harry greeted J.B. and then shooed the pug off, who retreated to the kitchen, no doubt to sit by his bowl and wait for supper.

            “A nice hot bath,” Harry said as he slipped off his wool coat and hung it in the hall closet. “I’ve got some lovely bath salts that are excellent for easing tension. Then perhaps a nice long massage after, hmm?”

            Eggsy scratched at his temple and said with chuckle, “How about we just skip to the massage?”

            “Nonsense.” Harry helped Eggsy remove his coat. “I know you aren’t fond of baths, but I’m sure once you get in you’ll see that they’re quite nice. Besides, a good soak is just the medicine for stiff muscles.”

            Harry hung up his coat next to his own and turned to him with that smile he knew Eggsy couldn’t refuse. He had that damn look on his face, the one where his eyes turned wide, and he blinked, lips tipped up softly.

            “I’ve been in your position more often than I’d like to recollect,” Harry continued when Eggsy didn’t respond, “and this always did the trick.”

            Eggsy bit his bottom lip, trying to tamp down the sudden panicked urge to flee out the front door. It was only a bath. Just a bath. And Harry did have a nice tub—a fucking gorgeous tub, something you’d find in a magazine; it was large and luxurious, a proper tub, not like the dingy teal thing he’d had back at the estates. Harry had a proper tub, one Eggsy could see them fucking in.

            “Fine,” Eggsy conceded. “Now turn off them puppy eyes. Yer as bad as J.B.”

            Harry dropped a kiss to Eggsy’s lips. “No need to grimace, darling. It isn’t like I’m leading you to your death. Now I’ll run the bath while you feed J.B.”

            Eggsy nodded and went into the kitchen where J.B. was indeed waiting for him. He could hear Harry ascend the stairs, one of the steps creaking about halfway up. The floorboards groaned as Harry went into their bedroom and to the attached bathroom, and a moment later the pipes gave a jarring jangle, a ghostly moaning announcing the drawing of his bath.

            Eggsy crouched down, gritting his teeth against the sharp spike of pain that went from his knees to his lower back, and picked up J.B.’s food bowl. J.B. studied him, shifting from foot to foot, his tongue lulling from his mouth.

            “S’no big deal, right?” Eggsy told J.B. The pug cocked his head to the side, not answering. Eggsy stood and carried the bowl over to the counter. He paused, straining his ears to listen for the tale-tell sign of rushing water. At first it was faint, the sound muffled by layers of wood, plaster, and doorways, a muffled running and gurgling sound, but the longer Eggsy stood there, the more he opened his mind to the noise, the louder it grew, rushing faster and faster, turning from a trickle into a raging waterfall.

            He clenched his hands against the counter and squeezed his eyes shut. _It’s just a bath. It’s just a fuckin’ bath._ Lots of people took baths. It wasn’t a big deal.

            That didn’t stop his pulse from spiking, pounding so hard he could feel his heart battering against his ribcage. J.B. barked, the sound zinging through Eggsy and jolting him from his thoughts. He let out a shuddered breath, not even realizing he’d been holding it, and looked back at the pug with an apologetic smile. “Sorry boy.”

            He finished feeding J.B. and changing his water, and then went upstairs to find Harry. Each step was heavy, his feet strapped with lead weights, nearly dragging him through the wooden floors. Far too quickly he was at the door, which loomed over him, creaking as if it could barely contain the deluge of water on the other side.

            The door to the bedroom suddenly opened and Harry stepped out, nearly running into Eggsy.

            “Oh, Eggsy—what are you doing standing there?” Harry frowned down at him. “Are you alright? You look a bit pale.”

            Eggsy blinked, his mind sluggishly processing the question. He rubbed the back of his head and said with a shaky laugh, “Yeah. Just pulled my back a little feeding J.B.”

            “Then let’s get you in that tub,” Harry said and stepped out of the way. He’d stripped out of his suit jacket and tie while he was up there, the sleeves of his shirt rolled up to reveal the corded muscles of his forearms. Harry’s glasses were neatly folded and resting on the nightstand, turned off.

            Eggsy removed his glasses and undid his tie with one finger, taking his time in undressing. The water had stopped running and an herbal aroma wafted from the bathroom. There were strong notes of eucalyptus. Eggsy usually liked the smell, but tonight it was harsh and irritated Eggsy’s nose.

            Harry stepped up behind Eggsy and slipped his large hands over his shoulders. “Let me help,” Harry murmured into his ear, nuzzling Eggsy’s temple.

            Eggsy closed his eyes, for a moment forgetting everything but the feel of Harry’s elegant fingers. Harry carefully removed Eggsy’s bespoke jacket and undid the buttons of his shirt. If Eggsy concentrated hard enough, if he didn’t think about the pulsing heat coming from the bathroom or the dripping of the faucet, he could almost pretend that Harry was stripping him down in order to fuck him.

            Harry kissed the curve of Eggsy’s neck when he finished removing Eggsy’s shirt, and Eggsy compulsively leaned back into his touch. Harry’s arms were sanctuary. Everything had been dark and bleak before Harry had stepped into his life, and if there was one place Eggsy could go in order to feel safe, it was in Harry’s warm embrace.

            Harry wrapped his hands around Eggsy’s waist, and with dexterous fingers, undid his belt and zipper. Eggsy sucked in a sharp breath when his pants dropped to his feet with a rustle. He wanted to say he gasped in excitement, but despite Harry working a path of kisses along his shoulder, Eggsy didn’t feel a single inkling of want.

            Once they were both naked, Harry guided Eggsy into the bathtub. The steam settled over Eggsy’s skin in a sticky cloying film. He looked down at the tub, which held a bluish sheen from the bath salts Harry had used.

            A deep hollow beating echoed in the room, like a riot of fists pounding against the bathroom walls. Eggsy stared at the tub, at the drop of water falling from the mouth of the brass faucet. He watched it hit the surface and ripple out, spreading, splashing up, and turning from a tranquil ring into the white foam of thrashing waves, dragged out by fat pink fingers. The pounding grew louder, grew more acute, resonating in Eggsy’s ears— _thump thump thump, drip drip drip,_ the tandem beat of each drop.

            “Eggsy? Are you getting in?” Harry asked, and Eggsy flinched when his hand slipped across his back, searing a path across his skin.

            It was stifling hot. Too hot. They needed to open a window, to bring in a fan. “Y-y’ first,” Eggsy said, nodding to the tub which wasn’t as large as he remembered. Was Harry sure they’d both fit in? The tub looked so small, no longer a pristine porcelain white. It was almost teal—no that had to be the water.

            Harry slipped into the tub, the water rising higher, sloshing up to the ledge. Eggsy’s lungs burned. Someone had poured gasoline down his throat and force fed him a match. He couldn’t breathe. Why wasn’t there enough oxygen?

            “Eggsy, darling,” Harry said, hand extended out. Eggsy moved on auto pilot, taking Harry’s hand and stepping into the water. Harry’s hand tightened around his. “Eggsy, you’re shaking—what’s wrong?”

            Eggsy opened his mouth, and then closed it. He tried to sit, tried to lower himself into the water, but his knees locked up, and his legs refused to bend. He shook his head, gasping out, “I-I can’t, I can’t—”

            “Can’t what? Eggsy, speak to me,” Harry said, alarmed.

            The splashing was louder. He sucked in a damp breath and promptly clamped his mouth shut, swallowing back the scream, forcing himself to think of nothing but the way his lungs expanded in order to hold as much air as physically possible.

            “Eggsy.” Harry stood, grabbing Eggsy by his shoulders. Eggsy shook his head, immediately jerking back to escape the touch. His foot slipped on the slick bottom of the tub. He let out the breath, expecting to swallow a mouthful of water. Everything crashed around him, and his world faded to gray, then went black.

* * * *

            Eggsy stared at the plastic bag Dean held out to him, dread spreading through his stomach and curdling the milk he drank at dinner. The bag bulged with weed. Eggsy recognized it almost immediately. It wasn’t the first time he’d seen the drug around the house. Most ten year olds wouldn’t know what hemp looked like, but Eggsy could spot the difference from the real thing and a pack of oregano. And this was real. Dean never held out anything fake.

            “I don’t want to,” Eggsy said, voice thin and strained. He glanced around the small living room, searching for his mother, but she wasn’t there. Dean had sent her out five minutes earlier to go down to the shop and fetch him another pack of cigs. He didn’t really need them, there was a full pack sitting in the empty pizza box on the coffee table.

            “Did I ask if y’ wanted to? No, I didn’t,” Dean snapped. His swollen face was red. He hovered over Eggsy, having to bend at the waist to stare down at him, a massive shadow rising out of the darkness. “Yer gonna take this an’ deliver it to Doyle down at the Black Prince, y’ got me?”

            Eggsy shook his head and took a step back. “No. M-Mum doesn’t want me goin’ out this late,” Eggsy stated. He straightened his shoulders, gathering himself up. Surely Dean understood that he _couldn’t_ go, not now. It was well past nine. Too late to go out.

            He didn’t even see Dean’s hand move. Fire exploded across Eggsy’s cheek, followed by a sharp lash as one of Dean’s rings caught on his lip. He hit the floor with a gasp, vision blurred. He immediately curled into a fetal position, hands reflexively moving into position to shield his head.

            “Oi! Do y’ think I give a fuck about wot yer mum wants?” Dean thundered. “Get yer fucking arse up an’ deliver this, before I dunk y’. Do y’ want me to dunk y’?”

            Eggsy tried to curl in tighter, to scrunch down as far as possible, willing his body to slip through the floor. Eggsy didn’t want to get dunked but he didn’t want to take the dope down to the Black Prince and face Doyle either. The men Dean had him deliver to scared Eggsy. They stared at him with hungry eyes, licking their lips, smacking their gums, grabbing and pawing at him. Their grimy laughter clung to his skin. He couldn’t wash off the sound of their jeers.

            “Fuckin’ useless,” Dean scoffed. The insult was followed by a swift kick to the gut. Eggsy cried out, moving his hands from his head to his stomach. “Should just fuckin’ drown y’ an’ be done wif it. Useless shit that y’ are. Nothin’ but a burden on y’ ol’ mum.”

            “I am not!” Eggsy yelled, lifting his head so he could glare at Dean. He spat a glob of blood at Dean’s foot and wiped at the snot running down his nose. “F-fuck y’!”

            Dean smirked, but something dark crossed over his eyes, and Eggsy suddenly wished he could snatch his words back. He couldn’t even stammer out an apology. Dean hauled him to his feet, and Eggsy tried to twist out of his grip, to wiggle away, but Dean tightened his fingers around his neck, digging his nails in. He dragged Eggsy into the small bathroom, which was barely large enough for Dean to move through.

            He bent Eggsy over the ledge of the ceramic teal tub, Eggsy’s stomach digging into the corner, and shoved his face towards the bottom. Eggsy turned his head, whimpering and whining, trying to break Dean’s hold. Dean squeezed, forcing out a cry from Eggsy.

            “I’m sorry!” Eggsy sobbed. He scrabbled to get purchase on the smooth ceramic, but there wasn’t anything to latch onto, and no matter how hard he pushed against the side of the tub, he couldn’t force Dean off.

            “Yer gonna be,” Dean said and turned on the water.

            The sudden gush of water pouring from the faucet was all Eggsy could hear. It was so fucking loud, deafening everything. Eggsy’s eyes grew wide as he watched the water fill the tub. He sobbed for Dean to let him up, that he’d be good, that he’d do the delivery, but Dean didn’t let up. He never did.

            Eggsy forced himself to calm down, to not waste any precious oxygen. If he started to hyperventilate he wouldn’t be able to get in enough air. The water filled, the level rising, and as soon as he felt the lukewarm water touch his nose, he drew in a deep breath and held.

            The first nine seconds were easy, it was after, when the oxygen started to trickle out in little bubbles, and his head grew woozy and light, that it became harder to hold on. Hot nails scraped along the insides of his lungs.

            Dean held him under for fifteen seconds, then lifted his head. Eggsy gasped loudly, sputtering out water and struggling to grab onto the edge again. He reached back, clawing at Dean’s hand. He knew there’d be more, it didn’t stop at one. Eggsy drew in a deep breath, vision turning white as he was dunked again.

            He no longer heard the muffled rush of water, so that meant Dean had turned the faucet off.  Eggsy could only hold his breath for six seconds the second time. He tried to lift his head when he couldn’t do it any longer, but Dean held him under, and Eggsy screamed, splashing wildly in an attempt to dislodge Dean’s mutton hand.

            Dean did it one more time, pushing Eggsy to his limits and holding him under for a solid thirty seconds, before finally hauling Eggsy up and tossing him to the floor. Eggsy gulped down air, throat raw and stomach queasy. Dean stepped over him, and Eggsy scooted away, but Dean’s shadow was large, and there was no escaping it.

            “Y’ gonna do the run?” Dean demanded, and Eggsy nodded weakly.

* * * *

            Harry didn’t know how they didn’t break their heads open. Eggsy had gone into a complete panic as soon as he slipped into the water. Somehow Harry managed to get Eggsy out of the tub before either of them was severely hurt. He carried Eggsy out of the bathroom and set him on the bed. Eggsy was trembling and his gaze vacant and unblinking. He kept mumbling I’m sorry in a heartbreaking litany.

            Harry resisted the urge to climb onto the bed and pull Eggsy against him. He took a seat on the bed beside Eggsy and soothingly said, “Eggsy, you’re safe. It’s okay, you did nothing wrong. You’re home and you’re safe.”

            He didn’t know what was going on in Eggsy’s head, but he knew it was probably safe to guess that it had something to do with his childhood. Harry had only seen this look on Eggsy’s face once and that was shortly after V-Day, when Eggsy was still adjusting to being a Kingsman and out from under Dean’s thumb.

            “Look at me,” Harry ordered gently. Eggsy shifted his stare to Harry, but Harry still wasn’t sure if Eggsy was really seeing him. “It’s me, Harry. You’re safe with me, darling. We’re home and in bed.”

            It took a good ten minutes to bring Eggsy down from his flashback. Harry didn’t leave his side once, waiting until Eggsy was coherent before he asked if it would be alright to hold him, and then gingerly tugging the boy against his chest, molding their bodies together until they were flushed against one another. Eggsy burrowed into him, face hidden in Harry’s chest.

            It was another fifteen minutes before Harry could breakaway. He coaxed Eggsy into a pair of sweat pants and changed into some pajama bottoms himself then went down and fixed some tea for them. When he came back, Eggsy was trembling again, tears slipping from his glassy eyes. Harry handed Eggsy the cup, bundled him in his nan’s quilt, and tugged him back into his arms.

            Neither spoke. J.B. found his way up, staring at his master with a concerned look in his chocolate eyes. He circled around at the foot of the bed a few times before climbing up the doggy steps to the bed and crawling into Eggsy’s lap and curled up.

            Harry kissed Eggsy’s temple, a dark thought creeping into his thoughts. “Eggsy, love,” Harry began carefully, not sure if he should ask or lock the question away deep in the recesses of his mind.

            “Yes?” Eggsy answered hoarsely. The cup of tea was left untouched in his hands.

            “Merlin showed me the footage of the water test. You held your breath for a considerable amount of time,” Harry said, picking over his words carefully, trying to play it off as gentle praise. Eggsy went still in his arms. “In fact, you held your breath almost longer than the most skilled diver. If was quite impressive, love.”

            Eggsy wouldn’t look at him.

            Harry sighed and kissed the top of his head. “You don’t have to tell me, my darling boy, but I want to help, and I can’t if you don’t talk to me.”

            Eggsy didn’t say anything for awhile. He finally drank his tea and focused on J.B., who snored contently in his lap. Harry thought the matter dropped, but then Eggsy whispered, “When Dean would get really mad he would dunk me in the tub.”

            Harry froze and stared down at Eggsy. He’d suspected, but hearing it out loud, Eggsy giving voice to his fears, left an ashy taste in his mouth and made him nauseous. He didn’t know what to say in response. What could he say?

            “It was when he was really mad. When beatin’ wasn’t enough. Mum was always gone when he’d do it. Smack me around, then drag me in the bathroom and hold me there as the tub filled,” Eggsy explained, pitch never rising above the distant tremor. There was barely breath between the words, as if he were purging his body of the memory.

            Harry tightened his hold on Eggsy, and Eggsy cried gently, immediately starting to withdraw. Harry realized he’d started to dig his nails into Eggsy’s arms, to overwhelmed by his darkening thoughts. He let loosened his grip and quickly peppered kisses along the side of Eggsy’s face, tasting the salt of tears. “It’s okay, love. I’m here, I’m here my darling.”

            The cup started to tremble in Eggsy’s hand, tea sloshing up over the side and dribbling on the saucer. Harry took Eggsy’s tea and set it aside on the nightstand.

            “He said I was a burden, no better than an animal needin’ to be drowned,” Eggsy croaked. He hugged J.B. closer, waking the pug, who let out a wheezed grunt in response. Harry adjusted their position, hauling Eggsy into his lap so the boy could curl against him.

            “You know that isn’t true,” Harry whispered, grateful he could keep the angry quake from his voice. Harry cupped Eggsy’s jaw and lifted his head up, compelling him to meet his gaze. “You are, and never have been, a burden. You’re a gift, Eggsy. A gift I’ve never been more grateful for.”

            Eggsy squeezed his eyes shut, a shuddering sob escaped him. He choked it back, and Harry almost told him to stop, that they didn’t need to talk anymore, but then Eggsy kept going. “Eventually I started getting better at holding my breath. Course when Dean realized it, he’d hold me down longer. I think it was a game for him or sumfin. He wanted to see how long I could do it. Or maybe he just hoped that eventually he’d just kill me.”

            If Harry hadn’t already taken care of Dean, he would have hunted the man down and killed him. He was almost tempted to find a way to drag the man up from the pits of hell, just so he could send him back. Death had come too quickly for Dean. He had needed to suffer, to beg for death, to pay for each sin with one pound of flesh at a time. Not being able to watch the life drain from Dean’s eyes would be one of Harry’s biggest regrets..

            “Longest was eight minutes,” Eggsy whispered. “The water was so cold it burned, and the edge of the tub dug into my stomach. I ended up fracturing my hand from thrashing.”

            “How long did it go on?” Harry asked around a lump in his throat. He didn’t want to know, but he _needed to._.

            “Till I was ‘bout seventeen.” Eggsy finally looked at Harry, and to his surprise, there weren’t any more tears in his eyes. Just a resigned, almost defeated sadness. It was worse than tears. At least with tears, Harry could wipe them away. This look, this pain, he couldn’t erase.

            “Darling, I’m sorry—I should have realized something was wrong,” Harry started, overwhelmed by his guilt. Why hadn’t he realized how uncomfortable Eggsy had been? He had stirred up that pain, forced Eggsy to relive those memories. He was a stupid old fool.

            Eggsy shook his head and buried his face in the crook of Harry’s collarbone. “S’alright, y’ didn’t know.”

            “But I should have _realized_ ,” Harry insisted through clenched teeth.

            “It’s over now,” Eggsy said. Harry hated how breathless those three words were, as if Eggsy didn’t really believe it had ended, that Dean could come back to torture him. “He stopped eventually, when I got too big and could fight back. And it ain’t like he’s around anymore, right? It’s just I don’t much care for water now.”

            “He will _never_ hurt you again,” Harry swore.

            “I know,” Eggsy murmured sleepily. “Nothing can when you hold me.” Harry closed his eyes and hugged Eggsy closer. “Just… just hold me for a little while, yeah?”

            Harry didn’t say anything else, just watched Eggsy drift off in his arms, glad the boy could sleep after such an ordeal. He kissed Eggsy softly and slipped down on the bed, holding Eggsy against him as he went to sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on Tumblr.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * ["i love you, don't you mind,"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13264137) by [zacefronspants](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zacefronspants/pseuds/zacefronspants)




End file.
